Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

By Staff members Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers

DAMASCUS- If peace have been a penthouse, it would include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That's the vision at the rear of Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical development-slash-luxurious real-estate calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.

Of course, the man who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. And never the usual Dubai skyline filler both-no, we are talking Damascus, the city Traditionally known for ancient tradition, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.

"It should be huge. Large!" Trump declared via a leaked golfing cart Zoom simply call, streamed in the putting inexperienced inside Mar-a-Lago's Scenario Bunker. "We've experienced beautiful ceasefires in Syria. A number of the most effective. But now, we are creating them with balconies."

Welcome for the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour

The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca in a very falafel stand-baffled, majestic, and fully out of place. Designed by Slovenian agency Ivana & Sons, the tower characteristics:

A a few-flooring Casino du Caliphate

The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation

A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Delighted Hour right until the drone flies")

And also a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely described as "deeply American."

Eyewitnesses noted combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten many years for potable h2o. But Indeed, positive, let us have A further spot the place American men can wear robes and phone it diplomacy."

In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains in addition to a pillow menu, certainly."

Ceasefire by Cabana

U.S. overseas plan analysts are calling this one of the most audacious peace try since Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. While past negotiations unsuccessful beneath the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's approach is easier: provide Absolutely everyone a collection within the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.

Based on documents revealed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal involves "luxurious diplomacy":

Ceasefires brokered by towel boys

Poolside arbitration between rebel leaders

A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, full with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.

"This is often delicate electricity," explained political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a contract plus a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO doesn't. Geopolitical gridlock demands much less diplomats and much more minibar upgrades."

Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming

International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mostly into gold-plated intercoms installed in Each individual unit. The UN Unique Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination famous, "It isn't that Trump should not open up a tower within a war zone. It's that he should really cease working with it to lease ballroom Room to mercenaries."

Joe Biden, when questioned with regards to the job, replied, "You already know, guy, I when rode a camel in Beirut. Great folks. Great tan. In any case, do I continue to have that ice cream?"

Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a suite for "foreseeable future proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred towards the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility with the Levant."

Satellite Shots Expose… Trumpface Landscaping

Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit discovered that the resort's landscaping kinds a giant Trump head visible from space, a feature remaining promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is made from refugee tents and the chin is… perfectly, labeled.

Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits right after discovering the setting up's gold plating reflected so much daylight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and established fire to an area melon cart.

"It really is not merely hideous. It is a war crime with curtains," mentioned Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.

The Melania Wing together with other Perplexing Options

Perhaps the strangest aspect of the tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:

A silent atrium wherever guests could ponder imprecise disappointment

A replica of her Slovenian bedroom, entire with climate Handle established to "distant"

A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Screen.

Community Syrians are Doubtful what to create of this. "Is she a ghost?" requested 12-yr-previous Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.

Advertising and marketing Tactic: "In the event you Bomb It, They are going to Arrive"

The ad campaign, recently leaked via the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. A person poster reads:

"Peace is Momentary. Luxury is Eternally."

An additional slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso stores:

"A Tower So Large, Even Assad Has to note."

Community reception is wildly divided. A current SnapPoll executed within a hookah lounge reveals:

Trump Tower Damascus

34% say "it would stabilize the area"

29% say "this tends to escalate regional kitsch"

18% said "wherever's the nearest elevator into the West Financial institution?"

Trader Praise: "Eventually, a Crisis That Pays"

The job is presently attracting interest from Intercontinental investors, together with:

A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as a international minister

The Russian Guild of Oligarchs

And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who reported he'll acquire 3 penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."

In line with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional level can even include:

A Greenback Store of Geopolitical Alliances

A Topic Park Known as 'SanctionsLand'

And an Escape Room Depending on the Iraq War

Remark Part Chaos

On the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb write-up about the disclosing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:

"Cannot wait to find out a wedding in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades rather than rice."

User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:

"Ultimately, a hotel exactly where my PTSD can have turn-down services."

An additional publish from @KuwaitiKardashian simply asked:

"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"

Diplomatic Domino Outcome

U.S. officers fear the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Property Arms Race." Reports counsel:

China may possibly open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad

Putin's daughter is arranging a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk

And Elon Musk has allegedly made available to create a Tesla showroom to the Golan Heights powered by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.

Even the Vatican has gotten associated. In keeping with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has presented to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the very best ground "The Holy See-Degree Suite."

Remaining Ideas from the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™

Inside of a closing ceremony that concerned 3 camels, a flamethrower, along with a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed over the speakers:

"Damascus essential hope. It needed gold. It essential a waterslide formed just like the Constitution. I gave everything a few. You're welcome."